Listening to Mark Kozelek @ 28

I had to go to his concert, even though it was going to be a busy week for me. Well, I skipped Low when they were at my college the last time around, but I was never a big Low fan, and this time it was different. It was Mark Kozelek, frontman for the Red House Painters, the group that I found salvation for all my unrequitted love and yearnings as a teenage....

And yet it was different. It could be the tiredness. I have not slept well the night before. It could be that Mark did not belt out all the hits (Grace Catheral Park? Japanese to English? Evil? Have You Forgotten?) ... or at least my favorite Red House Painters songs. Not to take anything away from his performance. I still enjoyed myself, but it did not connect with me on a personal level.

Then he was off the stage, citing tiredness. The crowd called for an encore. He duly obliged, asking us which songs we wanted him to play. There were so many that we can choose from.

"Katy Song .... Please god, YOU HAVE TO!"

Someone in the audience shouted out the thoughts in my mind.

Mark was relunctant, claiming that he had not played the song for a long time. Who could blame him? If I had written a poem that talked about the demise of my once-love, and it had somehow became popular, I would not want to deal with it to. Imagine. Everytime you read the poem at a recital, and it brings back haunted memories.

But he did play the song. And that was the first time in the whole evening when I felt a tinge of emotion. Not necessary sadness. I can't even remember the girl who had caused me to listen to this song over and over again in my teenage years. But the lyrics somehow seemed to evoke a rush of emotions inside me, something I just cannot put into words. Was it a reminensce of past follies? Or was it the warmth of knowing that I have grown up over the immaturities of youth? I didn't know... Or was it just that feeling one gets when one sees a very old friend?

I looked over at the person who shouted out for Mark to play Katy Song just now. His eyes was closed, and he seemed deeply engrossed in his thoughts and the song. Did he have a memory that was associated with that song? Did he also have someone who had left or rejected him? He must have. I think there is no way one can listen to Katy song and love it without linking it to some personal experience of theirs.... The reason why this is such a great song is not because of its nice melody or lyrics, but because it connects to people at a personal level....

At least I knew I enjoyed it, kind of a nostalgic way. A 28 years old looking back at his 18 years old self and wondering what had happened in between???

Whatever it was, it certainly made my night.

Katy Song

Lyrics: Mark Kozelek

some escape some doors to open
this path seems the blackest but i
guess it's the soonest
but there in the clearing i
know you'll be wearing
your young aching smile and
waving your hand

can't go with my heart when i
can't feel what's in it i
thought you'd come over
but for some reason you didn't

glass on the pavement under my shoe
without you is all my life amounts to

a final sleep no
words from my cutting
mouth to your ear or
taut wicked pinches
from my fingers to your bitter face
that i can't heal

i know tomorrow
you will be
somewhere in london
living with someone
you've got some kind of family
there to turn to
and that's more than i could ever give you

a chance for calm
a hope for freedom
outlet from my cold solitary kingdom
by the forest of our spring stay
where you walked away

and left a bleeding part of me
empty and bothered
watching the water
quiet in the corner
numb and falling through
without you what does my life amount to?