Frankly speaking, I have never gotten along with my grandfather. There are a lot of reasons, but I would put the main reason as due to our generation gap. He was born in the early years of the 20th century, and hence was indoctrinated from young the mindset from the late 19th century. The kind of ancient small Chinese village mindset that I have never understood. But there lies the root of our conflicts. He (and my grandmother) has never accepted my mother as 'part of the family', just because my mother's dialect is not Hainanese. Of course, we view this now as blatant racism, and of course being the son of my mother, I have never saw eye to eye with my grandparents due to their blatant discrimination. I remembered my dad telling me once that if you put everything in perspective, that both my grandparents were brought up in small communal rural villages in China, that this concept was the norm as it is very likely in those days that one would marry another person within the same dialect group. In some way I agreed with my dad (who bored the brunt of all family disputes throughout the years), but deep down I cannot help still feel animosity towards him. Together with the fact that he likes to put my mother (who is uneducated) down every time they get into an argument with the phrase "I was a principal! You are uneducated! What do you know!" (my grandfather was a principal of a primary school in Malaysia in some time of his life, apparently), my siblings and I cannot help but not like this man whom we think is too overbearing. In fact, partly because of this phrase, I have always vowed to myself that I will not put another person down because he or she receives less education than me (Of course, now I know better that my grandfather was committing a logical fallacy of subscribing to authority). Imagine the irony when he tried to use that trick on my mother a few years ago, and I came up with the snappy reply "So what? I am teaching in a university!"
When he was much younger and healthier (in his 80s) and when I was pursuing my undergraduate degree in Singapore, I have always half-jokingly told my friend that my family would be much better if my grandparents were not around. And every time when my friends asked about how my grandparents are recently, I would always comment "Well, they're not dead yet", which always drew the response that it was mean. However, at that time, I have always thought it was alright, because I still consider them the source of all strife that happens in my family.
Imagine to my surprise a few months back when my dad told me that the doctors found something in my granddad's lung, that instead of feeling "joyous", I actually felt kind of worried and sad. This surprised me more than anyone else, as I have always not seen eye-to-eye with this man, even though I probably share approximately one quarter of his DNA. Was this a general empathy that is present in all men, that you would not wish ill upon another individual even though you might not like him? Or was it because this was my grandfather that I actually felt this way? Or do I feel guilty (and partly 'responsible') for this because I have always been cursing him half-jokingly? I do not know.
Furthermore, after the conditions of my grandfather's health was revealed, I kind of reflected on the life of this man. Sure, he may not be perfect, but he did bring up my father, take them all the way from China to Singapore, which resulted in me. Sure, we may not have always seen eye-to-eye, especially in my teen years when I rejected his way of thinking, but I will always have this memory of him taking me out to the trails along Bukit Timah Hill (where he used to live) when I was very young, and watching me as I play with the mimosa plants. Sure, he might not have treated my mother very well, but she was the first one to forgive him when they knew about his condition, and the first to come to his defense when other extended family members wanted to prevent relatives from attending his plausible funeral a few weeks back in order not to have it clash with a wedding. That also surprised me. Did my mother feel the same way as I did? I don't know. What I know is that even for all the animosity and bad blood between me and my grandfather ever since I grew up, I still feel kind of sad now that he is gone.
My grandfather, Chan Tuck Soon, died on 23rd November 2007, 10pm. I was unable to be by his side as I was in the States. But according to my mother, the whole family was at his side when he expired. This photo above was taken when I went back to Singapore during the summer, a few months after the doctors have found something in his lung. I guess I have nothing more to say, except that I would miss his naggings and my quarrels with him. And even though we might not have liked each other a lot, he is after all still my grandfather.
No comments:
Post a Comment