Elephant Statue 

As written on the door of a toilet

Here I sit on the toilet seat broken-hearted
Tried my best to shit but I only farted
Then one fine day without luck I took my chance
Tried to fart but instead shitted my pants

No Hoop 

真命天子

真命天子


有关所谓真命天子最普遍的画面：英俊潇洒和玉树临风的白马王子，从远方前来掳获少女的芳心，把她从寂寞中解救出来。当然，这个幻想不仅限於女生。许多单身男子也同样相信在遥远的某处，有位寂寞的白雪公主或者睡美人来等待自己搭救，把她们从孤单的城堡救出。

我想大概是好莱坞电影的关系，才有这么多人相信所谓的真命天子论吧。电影里的情节总是如此完美，就如同数学的方程式一样。有男主角就必须有女主角，而两人在电影里是多么地完美无瑕。他们会彼此相爱，而且最终会在一起。情节的发展也总是把男女主角的互相吸引塑造成理所当然和无可避免的事，仿佛在冥冥之中就有什么神秘的力量一定会把他们撮合在一起。看了多让人感动，不禁会幻想着在这世界的某处也有一位属于自己的命中注定，只等着宇宙中的神秘力量把对方向自己推近。

或许我本身不属于浪漫派，所以非常抗拒这种真命天子论。

为什么我们要相信真命天子呢？每当看到朋友们历经一段不愉快的感情时，她 (他) 们总会埋怨说是因为还没有等到属于自己的那个人。如此说法间接意味着假如让自己遇到真命天子，所有问题就会迎刃而解。嗯，也别管自己在前一段感情里是否过于任性。嗯，大概也不会是自己没有顾虑对方的感受。嘿，如果是彼此是命中注定的话，就算你经常忽略对方，也不会有问题的。哦，爱情是不能勉强的，如果彼此原本就不是注定在一起，就别勉强了吧，反正在远方还有我的真命天子在等待。

我承认爱情有时是无法勉强的。它不是一种只要你努力就一定会有结果的东西，有时候还得看两个人之间的性格是否合得来。有时候自己也会感到莫名其妙，怎么会突然对那个人有好感呢？真的也无法解释，仿佛就是宇宙中某种神奇的力量在牵引。或许爱神的箭就是如此无法捉摸吧。

然而，尽管如此，有一件事是可以肯定的。虽然爱神的箭能让两个人一起开始走在同样的爱情道路上，不过却不能保证两人会一直携手共进。这条路上充满着诱惑，布满了陷阱，而且不一定一路平稳，有时还会崎岖不平和蜿蜒陡峭。如果彼此没有互相信任、体谅、妥协和扶持，就算是所谓的真命天子，大概也无法一起携手走完吧。不要只要求对方牵着你的手度过难关，有时候自己也得拉对方一把。

换句话说，在埋怨自己为何无法找到命中注定的真命天子前，先照照镜子看自己是否有这个资格吧。

His Grandma's Bear 

What Is Kitty Looking At? 

金门二三事

金门二三事


金门给我第一个印象，就是这里的一切似乎刻意强调国共战争这段历史。撇开八二三战争纪念馆、马山观测台、凿山隧道等这些让旅客参观的景点不说，金门岛上几乎每个十字路口都会有些纪念战争的东西。不是前领导人的铜像，就是记录兵士英勇抗战的雕塑，要不然就是插着国旗，然后上面还刻着一些听了让人觉得非常肉麻爱国标语的纪念牌。我起初还觉得蛮有趣，还会停下机车拍照。不过，当我发现每离一段路就有这种纪念标志时，我就懒得拍照了，毕竟底片非常贵。

不仅如此，金门的三个特产是高粱、贡糖和钢刀，而最后一个特产是利用以前战争所遗留下来的炮弹外壳打造出来的。我听当地人说，这钢刀不只是卖给游客的纪念品，就连他们也有在用。因此，你可以说那里几乎每一户人家里都摆放着一片历史痕迹。或者说，所谓国共战争这回事已经融入了当地居民的生活之中了。

虽然说金门算是台湾的一个军事岛屿，不过我觉得自己所看到的纪念标志也未免过于夸张了。我觉得这些历史遗迹有些讽刺，尤其是岛上现在正鼓吹小三通的风。不过，我想所有纪念战争的历史遗迹或者是标志都是一种讽刺吧，因为它们仿佛就如同唠叨的女人一样提醒我们过去的仇恨，把对彼此的怨恨和复仇的心理封印在里头。

然而，有关金门的那些纪念建造物而言，它们让我感觉的讽刺意味却是双重的。要不是纪念碑上的标语都是用繁体字写的，以及到处都插上了青天白日满地红的国旗，我真还以为自己踏入了某个共产国家呢。我们所熟悉的共产国都不是这样子的吗？沿街的领导人铜像、激昂亢奋的政治标语、以及记载领导人伟大事迹的壁画。这些都是我在金门当地骑着机车时频频看到的东西，无论是马路上、渔港边、村落社区里都有。根据八二三战争纪念馆的介绍，金门在战争期间是 ‘自由世界对抗共产主义的前线’ 。然而，无可否认的是这座岛屿也是我在台湾各地看到最像共产世界的地方。

这让我领略到一个事实。或许在所谓的政治战争里，尽管敌对双方所倚赖的理念都看似不同，不过他们所采用的手法都一样，就如同旧苏联在史太林的统治下就跟希特勒的纳粹主义一样。如果把对立的政治理念剖开来，里头所看到的大概是同样的丑陋和龌龊，以及同样的玩弄民众情绪的伎俩吧。因此，所谓政治理念的冲突根本就是大家为了强度利益所编出来的一些冠冕堂皇的借口罢了。

或许是我这个人过于悲观和愤世也说不定。不过，当我在居住的旅馆外看到现今不同政治阵营所标出的口号的相似之处时，我这个想法就更坚定了。看来，现今的政治人物还在做着同样卑鄙无耻的事。

或许，在整个人类历史里，这算是一种不断重演的悲剧吧。

The Color of Fall 

服务的代价

服务的代价

(刊登于联合早报，2005年9月11日)


在我来到美国前，总觉得这里的人人都很高傲和不友善的。然而，当我抵达爱荷华州时，却发现这里的人出乎意料地友善，甚至胜过一般的新加坡人。至少，当我在这里向陌生人点头微笑时，他们总会有所回应。本地人一般的回应就是假装看不到吧。或许美国人高傲的形像只是从媒体得到的片面印象吧。当然，也有可能是因为自己不是置身于种族歧视思想强烈的南方和人情冷淡的大城市里，所以才见到如此热情的民风吧。

在此将近一个月后，有两件事令我印象深刻。其中一件就是上餐馆时，这里侍应生的态度和水准让我佩服。他们不仅对菜单上的食物了如指掌，而且总会很有耐心和面带笑容地回答顾客的疑问。由于文化和语言能力的差异，我其中一位土耳其朋友问了许多问题后才做出决定。那位服务我们的侍应生从头到尾都没有表示不耐烦。跟我在本地许多餐馆的经验比起来，这简直不可思议。

还有另一件让我印象深刻的就是看医生的经验。由于大腿上所生的疖子不幸受到细菌感染而发炎，因此只好到校园的诊所求医。令我感到钦佩的是我所接触的医生不仅还向我讲解病况，而且还很详细地和我讨论她所建议的医疗步骤，以及听取我的疑问和意见。就连护士在替我包扎伤口时也同时讲解每个步骤的意义。在我印象中，这和我印象中的本地医疗人员的使唤性态度有天渊之别。

读了以上两个故事，聪明的读者应该猜到本人正针对李总理最近在国庆致词中所提到的本地服务文化做比较。乍看之下，别说和日本或香港比较了，就连我们一向认为高傲的美国，我们都比不上。然而，以上两个故事只说到一半。

有关侍应生的故事，在场的美国朋友在结账前向我们这些异乡人讲解美国所谓的小费文化 (尽管我们来到美国前已略有所闻) 。小费的数目完全取决于侍应生的服务态度。如果觉得很好，就是 20% 左右。如果觉得恶劣，可以完全不给。有关医生的故事，和教授聊天时才知道原来医生之所以如此细心讲解，是为了避免病人日后以医疗疏忽的理由提出诉讼。顺道一提，美国的公共医疗补贴和其他发达国家相比可说少得可怜，因此多数美国人都投保医药保险。如果没有医药保险的话，劝君最好别在这里生病，因为医药费高得可怕。

再回来谈谈服务文化吧。随着李总理的演讲，在报章上纷纷读到本地消费者要求更好的服务态度的要求。这当然是合理的，不过各位可否准备为此付出代价？如果本地餐馆也拥有小费文化，我相信侍应生不需要提醒都会自动自发地展现最佳的服务态度。如果所有公共医疗服务以私营方式经营，我相信医生也改掉使唤性的态度。当然，医药费相对提高。一分钱一分货，大概就是这个意思吧？

当然，也许我过于愤世嫉俗了，觉得如果没有利益可言，服务业就不可能改善。至少，我在这里的超级市场所碰到的收银员都非常亲切，尽管我不需要给他们任何小费。这大概证明好的服务不一定是要付钱才能得到的。然而，如果我们所要求的是顶级的服务态度，那恐怕就没有免费这回事了。

就如同从小到大所熟悉的一句方言：要便宜又要好，哪里可能？

Dunking Swans 

Birds 

Pitch Invasion After Iowa State University Football Team Crushed Their Opponents In A Derby Match 

Am Really Obsessed With Cats At The Moment 

The Decemberist

Neutral Milk Hotel.

In almost all the reviews on The Decemberist’s albums, critics have unanimously compared them to that of indie music legends, Neutral Milk Hotel. It’s just a matter of counting the words, and then anticipating how many words the critic could write before dropping the reference. This review is no exception, and it goes one better, by putting NMH’s name from the beginning of the article.

It is not surprising that The Decemberist has been compared to Neutral Milk Hotel. Besides the obvious love of blaring horn instruments, the suspicious influence of European folk music, and the bizarre and dreamlike album covers, one need not listen too far into The Decemberist to realize the most striking similarity between Colin Meloy and Jeff Magnum is the surrealistic style of story-telling with their music. The almost sub-conscious stream-like lyrics of both men, evocative of that dream you had last night. Not nightmarish, but a story-telling that is so illogical that it can only happen in dreams. For example, Jeff Magnum talks about “the only girl I only loved was born with roses in her eyes, where they killed and buried her alive one night in Holland 1945”, while Colin Meroy speaks of “My name is Leslie Anne Levine” who “still clung onto the petticoats of the girl who died with me”.

However, it would be unfair to The Decemberist if one were to say that they are similar to NMH. While Jeff Magnum pushed his music to the brink a surrealistic dreamscape, Colin Meroy still maintains a sense of human emotions in his writings. To draw an appropriate analogy, while NMH’s song might be dreams that makes you wonder “what-the-fuck-was-that” when you wake up, there are songs in The Decemberist which would make you feel a tinge of melancholy when you lay awake in bed.

I’ve recently purchased all three albums (ouch, a hole in the pocket) released by The Decemberist for the past three years. Which one of them do I recommend? All of them. Asking me to choose between them would be like asking me to choose between whether NMH was better or NMH was better. Now that’s a no-brainer.

More Cat Pictures 

Cats Napping 

27 years old, listening to NIN

27 years old, listening to NIN

Or Nine Inch Nails. Or Trent Reznor. The greatest fucking industrial music in the world. At least that was my opinion when I was in high school. I mean, when you are an immature 18 years old filled with teenage angst and a general rebellious streak to the whole fucking system you perceive as shitty, the lyrics and music of NIN must have struck a chord in you. Especially when you are a pimpled face nerd with no luck in engaging the opposite sex, listening to NIN in the quiet solace of the night (hmm, note the irony here) seemed all so meaningful.

And of course, you write “poems” like this:

My Self Destruct

I need a bullet for my head
A little hatred to have it made
Hold the shotgun in your hands
And push the trigger with repent

I need a knife for my heart
Jealousy to rip it apart
Guide the blade with your hands
And thrust it in with all your love sent

I need a drug for my fucked-up mind
Or forever I will be a swine
Pump the dope in my veins
And like an angel I shall not feel pain

I'm the vampire in the dark
A souless body filled with muck
Kill me off with the daylight sun
And forever will darkness be undone

Or this:

God

God is an atheist and he knows it
Ties you up with his fucked-up creed
Your wisdom is bullshit but not his
Your knowledge is useless against him
So god help me and let my soul be free

God is a mortal and he knows it
Cut him up and he'll surely bleed
For one that falls there is still another
And the words will bend and he's still your father
So god help me and let my body be free

God does not exists and he knows it
Although god will help the faithful indeed
For he knows a miracle can spread his deed
And on their hope he will sow the seeds
So god redeem me and let ME be free

Or even more embarrassing, this:

One

A minute of silence
for a second of peace
A minute of restrain
for a second of pain
A minute of containment
for a second of indulgence
A minute of your love
for a second of my self-contempt

And for a minute of eternal bliss

I'll use you
fuck you
drain you
kill you

In exchange for a second of eternal hate


Of course, one grows up. Then you see the world is not as bleak and grey as it seemed. You have a girlfriend. You start to think about your career. You start to listen to other singers, or read more mature books, and start seeing the world not in a dichotomy of black and white. Heck, it is not even grey, but a kaleidoscopic mix of rainbow colors. Some would say millions of colors, if you are a Macintosh fan.

Anyway, you start alienating from NIN. You diss it. Yeah, it was just some juvenile teenage shit that you got into when you were an immature pimpled faced 18 years old. Nah, you don’t listen to it anymore, the lyrics just makes you want to laugh. Not only at its seemingly childish portrayal of a kitschy depression, but at your own stupidity when you were 18 years old. You look at those 18 years old teenagers lapping up the poorer spin-offs on NIN, and you shake your head. Yeah, been there done that.

27 years old, listening to NIN. Here. Now. The strange thing is although I still admit the lyrics sounds childish and juvenile, the eerie thing is that it still somehow connects. Somewhere. Deep inside, like there is this rebellious streak in me that never really disappeared with age. Somehow, when one, in the middle of the night, listens to this song below:

Hurt

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away but I remember everything

what have I become, my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time the feeling disappear
you are someone else, I am still right here

what have I become, my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
if I could start again a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way



There is a connection. I can empathize. I know exactly what the lyrics means. Even though I am now 27 years old but everything NIN sang still made sense. It is like I’ve never grown up. Or maybe I have. Maybe everything that I thought was right at 18 years old was right, but between the periods of time where I dissed NIN, that was when I was wrong.

Nah, it’s probably nostalgia. Or the four bottles of beer I had just now. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll probably find the lyrics childish and juvenile again. Haha.

Maybe.


PS: This piece is dedicated to HB, who I know is also an NIN fan. Yeah man, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you still listen to NIN from time to time.

My Monty-Pythonsque Idea

Yeah, all my friends have probably talked about this idea before. You find two packets of flour, put them in zip lock bags, strap them on your body using masking tape, and then put on baggy shirts. Then you try to walk past the customs (either in the airport or causeway) and see what happens to you. I'll like to see the face of those customs officers when they realise that it is just flour. Of course, I'm not sure if this is breaking any laws here, but its worth a try. If you are really free and have nothing to do, and you have around a week to spend in police detention.

Oh, and if you don't mind your ass probed.

Will someone else try it and tell me what happens?

An Old House Somewhere In KL 

Two Flies On The Toilet Seat 

九月

九月


只是在寻找可以倒数及时的凤梨罐头
我将另一个自己腌制成芝士雕像
等待未知的十月向温度计撒娇
尽管秋天已经串通感冒绑架回忆和
爱情，只不过是一场内分泌失调

Last Goodbye

“因为我曾经假设自己在你墓碑前献上鲜花，而那种虚构的寂寥就足以让我当场悲恸地落泪，所以我现在也只能如此安慰自己，你并不是从这个世界永远消失，只是从我的生活离开。从今以后，你会在这个世界某处生活，依靠在另一个温柔和坚强的肩膀上。或者你也会独自流浪下去，过着你长久以来渴望的无拘无束，只是这一切都和我无关了。在某种意义上，你已经彻底从我生命中消失了，尽管我知道你在某种意义上还活着。在我的世界里，你同时存在和消失，也同时活着和死去。”

Dead Frog