27 years old, listening to NIN

27 years old, listening to NIN

Or Nine Inch Nails. Or Trent Reznor. The greatest fucking industrial music in the world. At least that was my opinion when I was in high school. I mean, when you are an immature 18 years old filled with teenage angst and a general rebellious streak to the whole fucking system you perceive as shitty, the lyrics and music of NIN must have struck a chord in you. Especially when you are a pimpled face nerd with no luck in engaging the opposite sex, listening to NIN in the quiet solace of the night (hmm, note the irony here) seemed all so meaningful.

And of course, you write “poems” like this:

My Self Destruct

I need a bullet for my head
A little hatred to have it made
Hold the shotgun in your hands
And push the trigger with repent

I need a knife for my heart
Jealousy to rip it apart
Guide the blade with your hands
And thrust it in with all your love sent

I need a drug for my fucked-up mind
Or forever I will be a swine
Pump the dope in my veins
And like an angel I shall not feel pain

I'm the vampire in the dark
A souless body filled with muck
Kill me off with the daylight sun
And forever will darkness be undone

Or this:

God

God is an atheist and he knows it
Ties you up with his fucked-up creed
Your wisdom is bullshit but not his
Your knowledge is useless against him
So god help me and let my soul be free

God is a mortal and he knows it
Cut him up and he'll surely bleed
For one that falls there is still another
And the words will bend and he's still your father
So god help me and let my body be free

God does not exists and he knows it
Although god will help the faithful indeed
For he knows a miracle can spread his deed
And on their hope he will sow the seeds
So god redeem me and let ME be free

Or even more embarrassing, this:

One

A minute of silence
for a second of peace
A minute of restrain
for a second of pain
A minute of containment
for a second of indulgence
A minute of your love
for a second of my self-contempt

And for a minute of eternal bliss

I'll use you
fuck you
drain you
kill you

In exchange for a second of eternal hate


Of course, one grows up. Then you see the world is not as bleak and grey as it seemed. You have a girlfriend. You start to think about your career. You start to listen to other singers, or read more mature books, and start seeing the world not in a dichotomy of black and white. Heck, it is not even grey, but a kaleidoscopic mix of rainbow colors. Some would say millions of colors, if you are a Macintosh fan.

Anyway, you start alienating from NIN. You diss it. Yeah, it was just some juvenile teenage shit that you got into when you were an immature pimpled faced 18 years old. Nah, you don’t listen to it anymore, the lyrics just makes you want to laugh. Not only at its seemingly childish portrayal of a kitschy depression, but at your own stupidity when you were 18 years old. You look at those 18 years old teenagers lapping up the poorer spin-offs on NIN, and you shake your head. Yeah, been there done that.

27 years old, listening to NIN. Here. Now. The strange thing is although I still admit the lyrics sounds childish and juvenile, the eerie thing is that it still somehow connects. Somewhere. Deep inside, like there is this rebellious streak in me that never really disappeared with age. Somehow, when one, in the middle of the night, listens to this song below:

Hurt

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away but I remember everything

what have I become, my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time the feeling disappear
you are someone else, I am still right here

what have I become, my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
I will let you down, I will make you hurt
if I could start again a million miles away
I would keep myself, I would find a way



There is a connection. I can empathize. I know exactly what the lyrics means. Even though I am now 27 years old but everything NIN sang still made sense. It is like I’ve never grown up. Or maybe I have. Maybe everything that I thought was right at 18 years old was right, but between the periods of time where I dissed NIN, that was when I was wrong.

Nah, it’s probably nostalgia. Or the four bottles of beer I had just now. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll probably find the lyrics childish and juvenile again. Haha.

Maybe.


PS: This piece is dedicated to HB, who I know is also an NIN fan. Yeah man, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you still listen to NIN from time to time.